I started typing an entry earlier simply to be rid of the last entry which has been there entirely too long, 17 days, but this weird ass computer just upped and decided to restart itself. Then I came back and read this guy's new entries and he always makes me think so now I have to write. I don't know if I'll be able to finish this entry though for the same reason I have not made an entry in 17 days, I am simply not motivated to write here anymore (i.e. bored). I thought making a new layout would help but I have been equally apathetic as before. Of course after typing that I've completely forgotten what I really came to type...

I think it's really amazing that people who are so different can be so alike. He has had an entirely different experience with life and yet he says so many things that I relate to.
He wonders where normal people learn to be normal; I suppose some of us aren't meant to be like that. For a guy who claims to be (I call it) socially inept he seems to get a lot of play, on both sides of the fence too. I on the other hand get no attention from girls, might get more if I knew how to talk to strangers etc. because I've got myself convinced I'm cute these days. That is a result of guys telling me I'm cute however. I really don't get why guys are so into me physically I certainly would not be attracted to myself but I chalk that up to the fact that everyone has different tastes. I look at my face in the mirror sometimes and like what I see, sometimes. I am at the point now where I hate my body but it doesn't really bother me anymore. For example there was a period where I would not bathe on the beach because that meant shorts and shorts meant my legs would show but now although I still don't like shorts in public I don't deny myself sea-water because of my bony knees and flat chest. I took dance for an entire year, i.e. spent several hours a week in a room with a ceiling to floor mirror, and rarely ever looked at myself and now I stand naked in front of my full length mirror hating the flaws but still loving myself. Like the muse of this entry I reserve a certain amount of distrust for people who find me attractive simply because they must be lying when they say I'm cute or that they like my body. Again I’ve rambled until I've lost my train of thought.

"...go back to normal which wasn’t much to begin with but was better than what I have now." I had pretty much the exact same sentiment probably last (academic) year.

I am fine. Not because I am fine but because I refuse to not be fine. I spit in the face of not being fine, I curse it with the dirtiest swear words I know in both languages. Fuck it! I am also perfect, beautiful, secure, confident. Well most of the time anyway.

That's it for today, I give up.

Previous Latest Next