i feel like i want to cry coz i really fucked up, which is not unusual for me but this time it affects other people namely my cousin. I'm supposed to be moving in next door to her but instead of getting the key before hand or organising for the landlord to be there when I came I just showed up yesterday with all my stuff. Only, of course, to find that the man does not live here like i thought he did but lives practically on the other side of the country and did not leave the key to my room with anyone for me. So I spent last night in my cousin's room while she spent the night with her friend, expecting the man to come her this morning, as i was assured he would since we couldn't get him on the phone and he always comes on tuesdays. but of course he did not show up this morning so i called him and he said he would not be able to make it until 7am tomorrow.
I can't stay here again tonight coz FA wants her room tonight so i'm going back to my aunt's house for the night. which is cool coz i need to go back there anyway, to see if i can reformat the hard drive on my old PC.
But i digress. The point is that not knowing how to handle stuff like this really sucks. And if I wasn't 'afraid' to call her up before an tell her...well that's just it, i just didn't know what i was supposed to be asking and that, for me, means i have no control and i am highly allergic to situations where I have or feel like i have no control.

How's this for fucked up? I hate asking people for things or to do stuff for me coz i feel like i'm being intrusive or something but i like to be taken care of since that's what i'm pretty much used to in most areas of my life and at the same time i'm the kind of person who likes complete control over anything i'm doing coz if i let someone else do it they just won't do it right/good enough or if i do it with other people they will only get in my way.

Oh no! I just told my cousin that her friend came last night to collect a book she borrowed and i gave it to her but that was a bad idea coz now off she goes to ask the girl why she is messing with her stuff while she's not there.
She's the kinda person who tries her best not to step on other people's toes but if hers get stepped on she won't back down. I guess people are different about their stuff. It's not like the girl came in when no one was around coz i'm the one who let her in and i thought it wouldn't be a big deal since she was only getting something that belonged to her. I wouldn't borrow something from somebody for that long if its not someone who i would trust to come into my room (under my cousin's supervision) to get it back. Anyway everyone is different and besides i'm sure the situation with her housemates is not exactly a shallow pool so i'll just leave it.

Back to my original point, that is just has her upset right now. she's not pissed or anything, just stressed coz exams start next week and now i'm adding weight to her shoulders with my problems / problems i'm causing. And i feel bad coz i'm making her feel worse by adding to her daily shit. And that mixed with the fact that i just totally fucked up yet again makes me wish i were capable of tears.

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