i was just thinking about whether or not i feel. this is the way i usually think about things first i try to apply something to myself like 'i don't feel' and then i decide whether its true by trying to prove it wrong. i got to the point where i realised that i do feel and decided to write this down.

i guess i do feel, but not the kind of stuff i'd like to. i don't think i love the people i love or at least don't really feel it but at he same time i do love them. i've said it to people but i think only to my female friends in church coz they throw it around or at least did for a while and i think it was worth lying to them(her) coz i love them.
even anger. i never get mad really my bro and my cousin who used to live with us can attest to that. and the only times i show anger is when i think that i need to display a reaction so i can get an appropriate response from the other person esp when i'm dealing with kids or my bro

but certain things i'm certain i feel is helpless and useless i suppose that would not really qualify as emotion so maybe scared would be a better word. that's not to say that i feel worthless in the low self esteem kind of way, i just generally feel i can't do shit. incompetent and inept come to mind. for a while could get myself to do stuff i.e. the things i had to do but now i think i've slipped back into the way i was before.

i can't say exactly when that changed but right now i'm thinkin maybe it was this academic year coz everything was totally fucked up from the start and it hasn't gotten any better. i like to be in control and i think that if i don't feel like i some measure of control then i just give up. i definitely tend to that, just give up on something if i can't get it.

my parents didn't really spoil us coz they were really strict and although we could always get everything we needed without hesitation they never gave us anything we didn't need just coz we asked for it so i don't think we're spoiled but i think my mother just did everything for us, like buying clothes and that kind of stuff. most of the clothes we ever got either just showed up or my mother bought it on some trip or it was for birthdays or christmas. basically i never had to choose my stuff, i never had to make any decisions and that is just part of the reason i feel the way i do most of the time. the other major part is just my lack of, i don't know, social skills i guess u could call it.

anyway i just wish i could really feel something. i mean i should be worried about failing which i am almost certain is going to happen but there's nothing, no panic, when there are people who desperately want to get into school but can't and for me school is just a necessary evil, the place u have to go in the morning and are happy to leave at the end. talking about school would result in a whole other entry this long so i'll stop on that. i should be homesick and while i think i am i don't really feel it but then again i live with my aunt in the country where i spent the first 8 yrs of my life and i speak to my mom often enough so maybe i really have no reason to be homesick. or maybe this is the way people feel and i just expect more because of the movies and the way other people react. i don't know.

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