in a quest to find lines from my poetry that i could use in the design of yet another layout i came across the following. even before i staarted this diary i used to write/type when i got frustrated and/or needed to vent. these were last modified on

Sunday, November 03, 2002 @ 1:54:50 PM and 2:00:18 PM respectively but i doubt very much that i actually wrote these 6 min apart. so, without further ado here are two old rants:

more shit.txt Sunday, November 03, 2002, 1:54:50 PM
Ok so I'm going from wanting to cry to wanting to destroy something now. This place just sucks.
I'm bored out of my mind for one and they have been here all day almost all week so I can't get a blessed moment to myself especially not with that child hanging off my neck every moment. What I want most is just a big bed and a place to hang my clothes and put my stuff. And to make it worse I can't use my computer the way I want to because I don't have a freaking desk. I can't go online much because I don't have my own connection, which I think I will get for myself eventually. There's no cable. At least I have music to some extent although it doesn't seem to be satisfying me (whatever that means) the place is even more flippin far from everything basically I just want to get the hell out of here and the fact that I don't have my results yet is not helping the situation in the least
Now what if I move out of here then what will I do with myself for one I don't know if I will be able to take care of myself properly and if I stay by Faye I don't know if I'll be able to handle her either plus my entertainment level will decrease dramatically my whole world is fucked up and upside down and I want to go back to normal and boring: not fucked up and empty. New and exciting might be nice if I could handle it which I don't know if I can but I don't really want that I just want normal and boring back and manageable and comfortable
Imagine wanting to push a knife into your chest just to feel it
I can handle boring and I can handle pathetic and I can handle meaningless and I can handle empty too but this fucked-up-ness is just too much I don't care why my life is like this now I just want it to go away.
Now I feel like screaming
And what if I fail I can barely get mind to go past asking the question because I know what I'll do. I'll just ride it out like normal like I always do when what I really want to do is react and curse or hit something or something which I know I won't or can't do and that just ticks me off. Well not ticks me off because nothing ever really gets to me, which is exactly the problem to begin with. I think a better description for it is feeling trapped. Trapped is good. Trapped in not really feeling anything properly
CHANGE!! Fucking change is what I don't like that's another reason why my life is so fucked up is because all this fucking change which I'm scared shitless of and another thing I don't let myself react to so how bout just adding fear to the fucking shit load of shit that is my life.

rant -bitchass day.txt Sunday, November 03, 2002, 2:00:18 PM

This shit is so fucking fucked up
I can't describe how shitty I feel
I really feel like destroying something or at least hitting something
I don't know what to do with my self
I'm so fucking bored
I'm really just fucking bored out of my mind
That whole thing about them not sending my results is just fucked up
It really makes me nervous and anxious
Being in this house is not helping either
I have no privacy
No 'peace'
Nowhere to put my stuff
Nothing to do i.e. no cable & no Internet
Btw I really need to get a life
Why would God want to further fuck up my already extremely shitty life?
I was fine just wading through my ordinary level of shit
Now I have all this new crap on my plate
How am I going to cope with this?
That was a rhetorical question I know how I am going to deal with it
The same way I deal with everything
Just basically ignore it
I wish I had somebody to curse out right now
Or somebody to talk to
Faye is not home as per usual
That's beside the point anyway
Even if I did have somebody to call which I do
What would I say since I can't 'talk'?
This shit is just too fucked up
And now I am frelling hungry and I feel completely crappy
Today death doesn't seem like a bad idea
I do not feel better after writing this

Previous Latest Next